finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
