Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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