These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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