you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
