Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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