We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
