Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
