Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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