It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
