Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
