if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
