I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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