Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
