The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
