i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
