just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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