Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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