only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
