im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
honey bunches of taint.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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