Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
