FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
