I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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