Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
