Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There r osticjed everywhere
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
