We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
