i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
