3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
