i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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