I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
