I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
