I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
