The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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