In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
