Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
