So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
