Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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