My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize