He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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