bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
