omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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