if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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