shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
