After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
