Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
