I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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