LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't turn off my feet"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
