Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just pee around me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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