He uses pillows to masturbate.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize