Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
