I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
