uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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