About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
