She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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