i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
