We named our party play list daddy issues
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
