Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
