An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
