my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
