frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
