my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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