3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
