I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
