I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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