I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
