can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
