my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
