People in love make me want to vomit
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
