somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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