Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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